Sunday, February 26, 2012

One More Day...

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see."           – John Burroughs

A week ago, I was laying on my couch, under a blanket, my head resting on my best friend's chest as we watched our girls run back and forth across our living room giggling and squealing.  I told him I was so happy he was staying home for a while because our baby girl had really been coming into her own and I didn't want him to miss it (he misses so much already).

A week ago, we'd just put our baby girl down for a nap when everything in the structured, routine, predictable world I'd created [to survive this unpredictable military life] fell away and disappeared when a plane fell out of the sky.

How do I send my husband to work everyday when it's no longer just a possibility he may never come home? 


No, really - someone tell me how.

Because, I didn't get to keep him like I thought and he didn't stay home for a while like he'd promised.  He's working. 

And instead of sharing dinner at our tiny kitchen table or watching our girls chase each other around the house - we connect in stolen moments over the internet.

I want my husband back.

In a letter I still carry with me, he once wrote... 
"When I married you I really did want to spend the rest of my life with you.  This whole deployment thing is cutting into some of the 'rest of my life' time."  

(two years)

(I've been carrying those words for two years)

I know his work is vital and important, I really do. But I have to wonder...

To what length and how great will our family's sacrifice ultimately be in exchange for your freedom?

Do you even appreciate all that we've given up and go without so you can be free?

Ruthie once told me, "It feels good to release your feelings to someone else."  I know what she meant and I even agreed with her but now that I've written mine down, I wonder if people will just think I'm selfish.

I hope not.


it's just...

He's my WHOLE world 
        and a lifetime isn't going to be enough time 
to fit in all the thoughts I want to think, 
            all the walks I want to take, 
all the books I want to read, 
                   and all the places I want to see
with him.

...when do we get to begin the rest of our life?  Because I'm ready.


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