I write this blog everyday. It follows me on walks, as I shower, and over the hum of the hideous songs played on my car stereo.
There. I said it.
Now, why don't I feel any better?
There are a million words trapped inside my head about what's wrong with here and why I feel out of sorts and overwhelmed yet when I sit down to tell you the only thing that comes is...
I can't find work, haven't found friends, and I'll tell you what comes with that beautiful view of the ocean - isolation. I feel like I've stepped back in time and back in progress... And yes, I absolutely miss Austin.
I've got a genuine, bonafide case of the blues or the blahs or the what-have-yous and I can't seem to shake them.
Some days, I can say the same thing--only it's not my location that I hate. Even though Colorado often feels small, I love this place and feel like it's an extension of myself. But, sometimes, the skin I'm in feels too small and dopey. The place I reside--this place of indecision and confusion and...that familiar alone--it makes me want to claw my eyes out and reach out for something more.
I've been really, really uncomfortable for a long while now...inside this skin. I know there's so much more for me to do--and I have an idea of how to do it, and what it is I'm supposed to do--but everything is so far away. And, for once, I'd just like a straight answer from someone I care about more than I should. I'd just like him to love me for who I am instead of who he wanted me to be. But that won't happen anytime soon.
That's sort of the point of hating something. The more uncomfortable it makes you and the more you throw your heart against it, the stronger you get--and the more you need it. I have no idea why you needed Florida, but I think eventually it will come to you. These things always have a way of making themselves apparent when we aren't grasping for an answer.
friends right away - I like it more because I meet lots of people that have stuff in common - (small children) I try really hard to get involved and that seems to help me the most and meet people to stay friends with. I will keep you in my prayers - I know how hard it is and especially when your husband isn't around much to help with that void.
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