It's like psyching yourself up for the big game... going home for the holidays.
This year I told myself everything was going to be cool because I've become so cool and laid back.
(Apparently, I'm Zen)
(I kind of like Zen)
For the most part, everything was cool and it probably was because I've become so cool and laid back.
Isabella and I travelled for seven hours all by ourselves [the day before Thanksgiving] and I arrived with a small skip to my step and a smile even though I'd already dragged my five month old up a twenty foot vertical embankment, hiked half a mile, and pretty near been strip searched before I ever got on a plane that day.
The baby didn't like the change in her location or her routine and let me know by waking up every day, bright and early, at three thirty in the morning. I wasn't in my normal location or routine which meant I'd been staying up late, visiting and taking care of things like baking and laundry... I wonder if they knew I was running on three to four hours worth of fumes (at most) every day I was there?
The visit was good.
I learned a lot.
I learned my older than 80 years old grandma suddenly feels the burning desire to drive again. I also learned she can't see anything in what she calls "middle vision."
I learned Wendy is not the only Willey with the gift of bringing the living back from the very brink of death. I tell you this now, if I EVER, and I do mean EVER need nursed back from the edge... they have a willingness, a desire, and a gift I only hope they see fit to share with me.
I learned Ruthie does not care for Rodeo brand hot dogs but she will pretend they are wheels and roll them across the table if she thinks you will laugh.
I learned there is a right place and a wrong place to shoot a wild boar.
I learned I'm not the only one Isabella throws up on... she will also throw up on Aunt Doretha.
I learned everyone changes - just not the way you wish they would...
I learned Aunt Doretha doesn't have internet. I didn't know it was possible not to have internet in 2010.
I learned the favorite part of Ruth's trip was going to the zoo with her dad and Carolyn.
I learned that my mom really can play farmville anywhere (I think that's a pretty keen skill)... someone told me she even plays it on her cruises - that's pretty wicked cool.
I learned it's possible to continuously get lost in the same place over and over and over again (each time) for hours and hours and hours and never think to call and ask someone for directions.
I learned my dad is in love with his grandbabies just as much as he is with me.
I learned you can't always believe what you hear but you can probably believe what you see.
I learned grandmas have hearts bigger than their bodies.
I learned to remember I'm grown up and my two baby girls look up to me so I have to act like I'm grown up.
I learned you don't cook cheese toast on the bottom oven rack - it burns.
I learned, "Everyone needs a helper sometimes."
I learned that not everyone will understand but then remembered that I knew that before I got there (and I was already okay with it).
I learned I'm loved.
This trip was huge for me. I walked into it with the calmest of attitudes... I was going to show up, eat turkey, play with my baby and my best girl, and hang out with my family. I had no expectations, no plans, and no designs.
I left feeling stressed, exhausted, and frustrated. Perhaps I shouldn't have gone into it so nonchalant?
There was a learning curve.
Apparently, just because I had no plans, no expectations, and no designs didn't mean everyone else came without them too. And apparently, just because I had no plans, no expectations, and no designs didn't mean that I wouldn't be involved in someone else's...
It's hard to live up to someone else's expectations when you aren't aware or expecting to be inside them.
But alas, if you were looking, that's where you would have found me - right in the middle of their expectations.
I guess I really can't blame them though. Part of me was half hoping/half expecting them to be someone they weren't either...
I'd apologize for not giving them what they wanted except I think who they wanted is a lesser quality kind of person. If they'd have hung around long enough I think they'd have realized "Zen" is pretty good (and I can be funny too).
(and I sigh again)
What can you do?
Well, that's not entirely true. I can remember not to toast the cheese toast on the bottom oven rack - it burns.